One “error” I realize I’ve made with many clients in the past is assuming they know certain facts that seem obvious to me about how to support themselves. I have found out frequently, almost by accident, that many clients don’t know how to handle their finances in a judicious way. And, as David Krueger the editor of a book called The Last Taboo said years ago, discussing finances with others, including their therapist, is a bigger taboo for many than sex, religion or politics. It’s also the largest single issue in divorce. Since my therapeutic philosophy usually involves my dealing with what my clients bring up rather than introducing topics, I have tended to avoid dealing with their financial issues. And even when I saw them making financial mistakes, I had to be judicious in how I addressed this issue. In addition, I found that, even when we did not directly discuss it, some clients started being more successful in dealing with money after having been in treatment with me for an extended time. This was the result of them achieving more self support.
Many clients make plenty of money so they don’t have to worry about it but are still not good at handling it. Also, their chaotic way of dealing with it can be a poor lesson to their children, who may not have the same resources as adults. I have often thought that one of the worst things that can happen to a child is being brought up in a family that is very rich. I have observed this personally in the family of a friend, and history is rife with examples of a child being brought up with unlimited resources, but is a failure, not only financially, but in other ways, as an adult. It doesn’t have to be that way, but it takes very wise wealthy parents to raise children who are well-functioning, reasonably hard working , successful adults. One example of a very rich man who was apparently able to accomplish this is Warren Buffett, whose kids knew from an early age that they were not going to inherit a large sum of money from their father. They are known to be financially successful.
Signs Clients Do Not Have Financial Self Support
In recent years I have become more openly curious with clients about their financial self-regulation when I suspect they have problems in this area. Here are some signs of difficulties:
1. They are constantly behind in their account with me. This can be indication they lack a systematic method for paying bills, an indication of chronic over-spending, a sheer reluctance to shell out money or an unexpressed dissatisfaction with the therapy.
2. They describe frequent conflicts with a spouse, child or significant other about money.
3. They express resentment about not being able financially to live the lifestyle they feel entitled to or see friends living.
4. They express the wish to do something like remodel part of their house, then in a later session indicate they impulsively bought an expensive piece of jewelry or clothing.
5. They spend all their income each month, and then do not have the funds to pay for an unexpected expense such an illness that requires them to be out of work for awhile or an expensive auto repair. Of course a huge percentage of the US population earns a minimum wage and can barely support themselves and their families.
6. They have a gambling addiction.
7. They have great difficulty buying things for themselves, but no difficulty giving to others.
My therapeutic approach when I see signs of issues dealing with money
When I see these any of these cues and we have a secure therapeutic alliance, I ask the client if they think they have difficulty dealing with money. If they acquiesce, I ask if hey want to discuss it. If they seem to feel shame, thinking this should be easy, I might let them know that this is an issue many people have and one I myself had in the past that I had to work through. I also tell them that I have found many of my past clients having this problem.
I then ask the client certain questions, depending on the specific issue, starting with a general one concerning their feelings about money and what has been history their history about it. I also might ask them to symbolize money in some way, to imagine it in front of them, so as to discover what they experience as they visualize it.
Here is how one client described money.
“I see it as as a pile of dollar bills and a bunch of change in front of me. And I don’t like it! It really looks yucky, disgusting. I have always felt that way about money, starting as a child. And I find myself getting rid of it as quickly as possible, just wanting to spend it all when I have it.”
Another one described it in positive terms, but very far away from them and unreachable. “I see it as a big pile of glittery gold. I would like to grab some of it, but it is very far away, unattainable.”
Still another saw it as a very desirable large pile of bills, and imagined wanting to pile it up and play with it. They aw themselves throwing it up in the air, it coming down on top of them like confetti. I was reminded of the money hoarder, Silas Marner, in the book by George Eliot.
Clients frequently spontaneously told me about their familial history with money. But if they don’t and I feel it is important to explore, I might ask them what their experience with money was as a child.
Common familial themes I have discovered over the years
1. Continual conflicts between the parents around money. For example, one parent was frugal, the other a spendthrift. And when the frugal parent saw unexpected items on the credit card or bank statement, they exploded and a fight with the other spouse ensued. In some instances, the client reported that that one parent, usually the father, spent a lot of money buying adult toys such as boats and cars, but was very cheap at spending for the rest of the family. In most cases these differences were never resolved. The outcome for people with this history often has been much conflict about how to handle their money in adulthood.
2. A negative view of money itself and wanting to avoid the whole issue. One client came from a family that was very left-wing, had learned the Marxist refrain that “money is the root of all evil.” (The actual quote was from St. Peter and was “the love of money is the root of all evil.”)
3. Irregular and/or incomplete education around money. This often included issues about receiving an allowance; many did not get a regular one and that increased as they got older. Another issue I have found was the child did not get any help about how to manage their allowance, e.g., spending it as he or she saw fit, and whether to spend some immediately and to put some away for larger purchases in the future. Most got no information about investing some of it, especially when they received significant sums from relatives on holidays.
4. Secretiveness in the family about the familial resources. The result was they had no idea about how much money the family had, what it was spent on, why the child was told no when they asked for certain things, etc. Some clients were made to think that the family was poor, only to learn years later that they were well-to-do. They had a huge sense of betrayal.
5. Negative responses to the child when they asked for money for something they wanted to buy that was separate from their allowance. Some clients reported they were immediately told no but then were later told yes, or were later bought the item by the parents. In either case, this behavior always had a very negative effects on their feeling okay about buying things for themselves and even about their being assertive in general.
6. A history of stealing money, e.g., from a parent’s wallet or purse. And shop-lifting from stores. This was often a way for the child to attempt to make up for a lack of affection and closeness in the family, i.e., substituting material things for love. In some, it was also an indirect expression of anger toward the parent.
I shall discuss in a future article how to work with clients who have difficulty in dealing with their finances.